


not a blank slate

by cinderrain



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: (i think the violence is only mild but just to be safe), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Apologies, Domestic, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 23:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14556216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinderrain/pseuds/cinderrain
Summary: It's been about a month since the exorcists were "dismissed", and the danger was gone, and it scares Kanda a little, how fast he and everyone else are adjusting to this new lifestyle.





	not a blank slate

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [LaviYuu Week 2018.](https://laviyuu-week.tumblr.com)  
> Prompt: Snow | Winter, Rest, Unique, Peaceful, Silence

"Kaaaanda," Allen calls from three rooms over. "It's your turn to get the groceries!"

"Fuck you, beansprout," comes the reply, but Kanda's already getting his coat on. It's strange how he's come to see this as a normal Tuesday. Tuesdays, Allen has work in the evening, which combined with their exorcist "retirement" funds lets them stay in their shared house somewhat comfortably. A normal day for Kanda, now, does not involve broken collarbones or dying civilians or torn-in-half comrades (he sees enough of that in his nightmares). He spends most of his time in a small house, the first thing they knew to buy with their newfound homelessness and an account full of money -- and now, normal means knowing that Lenalee lives with Komui to the right, and Marie lives with Miranda across the street, and all of them are (relatively) safe.

A normal day is without one certain redheaded nuisance, and every morning Kanda tells himself to be glad.

A normal day, Kanda can't even bring himself to think his name.

It's been about a month since the exorcists were  _ dismissed _ , and the danger was gone, and it scares Kanda a little, how fast he and everyone else are adjusting to this new lifestyle. 

 

_ It was a normal day in the Black Order Headquarters. Kanda was back from a week-long mission, and Lavi should be there to greet him. They were at that stage in their friendship where things had progressed faster than either of them had expected, and slower than either of them would have liked. Neither of them boasted pacing as a strong suit.  _

_ When he got back, Kanda was tired, hurting, and a little bit lonely -- not that he’d admit it -- and it’s possible that he was looking forward to seeing his disaster boyfriend. Just a little bit.  _

_But today, Lavi wasn't at the front door. Nor was he in the hallway by Komui's office, after Kanda had given his report. And not on the way to Kanda's room, or in his own. Kanda tries not to get the visions of carnage he’s treated to every day mixed up with what-ifs and maybes, but he’s exhausted and Lavi_ always _remembers, why wouldn’t he remember...?_

 

He tugs his coat tighter around him, clenching a fist in the hollow of his throat. It's cold today, and it will only get colder. He hopes Allen remembers to close the windows before he heads out to work; he'll murder the kid if he has to come home to a freezing house after he's gone to the trouble of adjusting the heating. He speeds up his stride, so he can finish this and go back inside a little sooner. 

The marketplace is emptier than usual, most people probably savouring the warmth in their homes, but there are still a dozen or so people browsing the stalls. Kanda ignores the vendors selling trinkets and jewelry, instead heading toward the section with fruits and vegetables and spices. He picks up the same things as always, topping off their supplies. They don't often go for anything fancy, given Allen's appetite and Kanda's routine favourites. If they want anything special, they can always go next door, or a few houses down, or to a restaurant.

Bags are weighing down both his hands and Kanda’s mental list is fully checked off when he turns his head just a bit too far before crossing the street and -- he sees him.

It's not the hair, surprisingly, that catches his eye first -- and anyway Kanda's trained himself to not give himself whiplash snapping his head around every times he sees that shade -- because it's bundled up and pinned under a hat. It's not the angles of his shoulders, concealed by a heavy jacket. In fact, it seems like he's trying his best to not be recognizable, concealing his identity from anyone who might have known him  _ before _ .

Everyone else is absorbed in their own business, shopping or hawking their goods, their heads buried in their own what-should-I-do-when-I-get-home and I-wonder-if-they-still-sell-those-buns. He’d been talking to a little old lady selling apples, arms gesturing and face open and voice carrying to Kanda across the street -- a different voice, a different accent that Kanda doesn't know. Then he turned around, and talked quietly for a bit to a man waiting in line for a different stall, his back straighter and his expression more serious.

Kanda recognized neither of these. It’s now, when he’s standing slightly apart, and he has that pensive look on his face that Kanda learned to watch for like a hawk because it meant he wasn’t acting --

"Lavi?"

He says Lavi’s name for the first time in months, having dropped the bags somewhere and walked closer without noticing. He has no idea what his face is doing right now, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t like it. He says Lavi’s name for the first time in months. 

And not-Lavi, Bookman, turns around, and in the half-second when his eye meets Kanda's he opens his mouth -- and this is the point when Kanda realizes that he isn't ready for this. He’s been avoiding even thinking about it; actual confrontation is out of the question. He turns and runs, not even pretending to walk, and he’s out of sight in a matter of moments. 

He's already three blocks away when he realizes he's forgotten the groceries.

 

_ Kanda slammed open the library doors, taking tense, shallow breaths. A Finder he'd stopped in the hallway had informed him that Lavi had been in the library since six in the morning and possibly hadn't even left the night before. It only took him a second to find the head of red hair, bent over sheets of paper and books spread out over the surface of the table. _

_ "Where were you?" Kanda demanded. _

_ "Here," Lavi answered, hardly looking up from his work. There was a pause, during which Lavi only just seemed to notice that something was wrong, and his gaze slowly drifted up from his papers to Kanda. "Were you expecting me to be waiting for you?" He immediately grasped the problem, as always. "Yuu, I didn't know when you were going to get back, remember?" _

_ Kanda flushed, mouth set in a defensive curve. "You knew, though." He broke off as he remembered. "I told you that it was going to be a week-long mission, and I left a week ago." _

_"You couldn't have expected me to know it was going to be_ exactly _a week, though, could you?" Lavi protested, though weakly, because they both knew that there had been times where he'd waited three days in the same spot because of vague mission-length predictions. He sighed and turned in his seat to face Kanda properly. "Why is this such a big deal, anyway? It's not like you ever acknowledge I'm there when I do wait."_

_Kanda scowled, darker than his normal resting expression or the usual manifestations of his fond irritation. He_ hadn't _known why it was such a big deal, because he'd been running on panic and exhaustion until now, but Lavi's condescending defensiveness got through clear enough. Lavi was floundering for excuses to cover his own mistake, however small a mistake it was, and in the process he'd trampled over Kanda's pride._

_ Lavi set his mouth and stared back, clearly broadcasting that he had no intention to take it back. Kanda knew why -- there were dark circles under his eyes, and Lavi was always most stubborn when he was tired. But Kanda wasn't Lavi; knowing the reason behind things wasn't a guarantee of forgiveness. _

_ Without saying anything, he turned and walked away. _

 

Allen is worried. And he has every right to be, considering his roommate and friend, er, acquaintance of over three years just burst through the doors empty-handed, hair windswept and slightly out of breath after going _grocery shopping_. Something must have happened, because Allen could swear that Kanda had an _expression_ on when he came in and holed himself up in his room. It might have been bewilderment. It could have been hurt, except Kanda doesn't hurt except for things of ridiculous scale like Alma fucking Karma. (Allen always takes the liberty, now, of inserting some sort of curse in Kanda's friend's name, because a) Kanda's _friend_ and b) _holy shit_.)

He thinks about asking Kanda where the groceries are, and then he thinks about treating him with genuine concern, and then he sighs and decides to just knock and see where it goes. "Kanda?" No response. "Kanda, stop being a moody, unreadable jerk and come out." No response. "At least tell me I don't have to go out and get the groceries myself." No response.

Allen throws his hands up in a gesture of defeat that no one sees, because somehow he'd managed to draw the short straw of living with Kanda while everyone else is living with someone they can actually tolerate. He throws one more parting glare over his shoulder at Kanda's locked door, and goes to spend the rest of the afternoon with Lenalee.

When he comes home from work, bags are piled in front of their apartment door. He expects to see Kanda going about his business as usual when he opens the door, but it doesn't look like he's left his room at all. Allen brings the groceries in and continues to be confused.

 

_ The next morning at breakfast, Kanda very deliberately sat by himself, just as he'd always done. And just as had always happened, Allen and Lenalee joined him anyway. This was a time-tested routine, and as long as Kanda got to the cafeteria before the rest of their table group he could keep up his pretense that he meant to eat alone, and the bastards just joined him on their own. _

_ This time, Lavi didn't show up. Lenalee loudly wondered to the table as a whole where Lavi could possibly be, and Allen shot him a quizzical look when Kanda didn’t comment. _

_ It shouldn’t have been a big thing. Kanda got embarrassed, glowered at Lavi for a bit, and then things would go back to normal. Worse had happened before. With the tenuous new status of their not-a-relationship, though, tensions were higher, and Kanda found himself both wondering where Lavi could be and avoiding any possible contact for the next few hours. _

_ At lunch, the idiot showed up. Kanda didn't look at him, even when Lavi wandered up to him, making his approach as winding and slow as possible. He even stopped to talk to a group of scientists, and Kanda knew he was making certain in the way he had to not make his target feel cornered, to give them a chance to retreat without looking like he was being ignored. Kanda never knew if that tactic was really for the comfort of the other person or for Lavi's reputation. Either way. he waited until Lavi was only an arm's length away before he turned and, still not looking, strode away. _

_ "Yuu, wait--" He was walking too fast for Lavi to catch him for a talk, but he felt paper slipped in his hand before he turned the corner, and heard the footsteps behind him stop. _

_ He kept walking until he got to his room, just so he could tell himself that he wasn't running from Lavi, he really wasn't, and then he inspected the paper. _

_ It was folded in half twice, a plain white sheet, but when he opened it there was nothing on it. _

_ He frowned, turned it over in his hands and held it up to the light. Lavi knew Kanda didn't know anything about invisible ink or the like, so he wouldn't do that, so -- it's just a blank piece of paper. He was prepared to be insulted, defensive, shielded against anything Lavi could have possibly written, but this caught him off guard. He couldn't exactly react to literally nothing. _

_ He didn't know what games Lavi was playing, but he knew what he'd do. He just wouldn't respond. What was there to respond to? _

_ He stepped around his chair to the trash can, but stopped short of throwing it out. Later, he’d claim he had a good reason to tuck it in his pocket instead of getting rid of it, but he wouldn't be able to say what the reason was. _

 

The next morning, Kanda is still being weird. Allen isn't really all that perturbed, because moods like this aren't rare - not for any of them. There are too many bad memories to completely manage to avoid bringing them up. Allen isn't surprised that Kanda turns out to be the one who sinks into these moods for the longest, even though he doesn't do it often. Allen decides it's not even enough of an event to bother Lenalee with. Just giving him a little room to smooth out whatever ruffled his feathers should be enough.

Of course, the second he thinks he's got everything sorted out has to be the second everything gets confusing again.

Breakfast is a simple affair, eggs (times ten) and toast (times twenty). It isn't really a full meal, so he's probably going to have to scrounge up brunch later. Kanda stays in his room all through the morning, and for once Allen can eat in peace. This exciting new experience lasts about five minutes.

Yawning, he plods outside in his pajamas and slippers to check the mailbox. There isn't anything inside except a small folded note, and Allen frowns at it. He doesn't think it's for him, but it's hard to tell when there's no name or address or anything on the outside. He figures he'll open it inside over a table in case it's actually a crude envelope and something falls out, but the second he steps through the door Kanda materializes next to him.

"Holy shit --" Allen's shoulders twitch up and he nearly drops the note, which creates an opening for Kanda to snatch it right out of his fingers. "Okay, guess that was for you, then," he calls grumpily to Kanda's retreating back.

 

_ That wasn't the end of it, though. Kanda wanted it to be, but a blank bit of dead tree at the bottom of his coat pocket did not a tidy solution make. _

_ Lavi didn't try to talk to him after that, surprisingly. Kanda would have thought he'd finally cottoned on to the fact that Kanda was going to ignore him no matter what, if not for the fact that Lavi still hovered and kept bombarding him with the little blank notes. Kanda had resolve, but Lavi was stubborn -- it was what had sparked this whole "fight" in the first place. Allen and Lenalee were by now visibly distressed at the atmosphere the two of them were creating, but Kanda really didn't care. He was going to ignore Lavi so hard that the redhead would either spontaneously stop existing or finally get off his back. Either one was fine by him. _

_ Allen dropped by one day to tell Kanda he was being childish. Kanda offered him a specific finger in response. _

_ It took two weeks. Two weeks of paper at breakfast, dinner, lunch, and any time Kanda wasn't holed up in his room in between. Two weeks of Lenalee's pressed-together lips and Allen's dirty looks, and two weeks' worth of little white squares enough to fill a shoebox Kanda had stolen off the science department. _

_ Two weeks for Kanda to finally snap, and snarl a vicious " _ What? _ " when Lavi balanced a little neatly-folded square on Kanda's shoulder. Kanda's glare faltered slightly and was intimidated into letting up by Lavi's sudden beaming smile. _

_ "It means sorry." Lavi must have realized that he was much too pleased with himself to look genuinely apologetic, and tried with little success to bite down his grin, but Kanda wasn't concerned with that at the moment. _

_ "What." He was still confused, and the three words Lavi gave him after two weeks of bewilderment were nowhere near enough. _

_ "See," Lavi started, and Kanda sighed at the telltale beginning of one of Lavi's elaborate not-quite-logical plans. "I figured if I just apologized like a normal person, you wouldn't accept it like a normal person, y'know? You'd just go right on back to ignoring me, because that's how you do, and we'd have spent just as long dancing around the issue as we did passing notes. Which is why I did the notes thing. Eventually you'd get curious enough to ask, and if you initiate the conversation you can't go right on back to ignoring me! S'foolproof, I tell you." _

_ Kanda was really damn tempted to do just what Lavi said he "couldn't" do, honestly. But the tension was already scattered by Lavi's rambling little speech, and it was too much effort to go back to Allen's "honestly, how old are you, five?" and staying cooped up in his room to avoid Lavi. _

_ "Fine." _

_ Lavi was satisfied, but Kanda made a face for three solid minutes before grinding out a "...sorry. I'm sorry too." _

 

Kanda, back in his room, stares at the piece of paper. It's blank, like he figured it would be.

_ "What?" "It means sorry." _

He shoves it deep into his jeans pocket and stomps out of his room. It's his turn to make lunch.

 

_ Lavi turned around too late. He'd been paying attention to the Finders, scrambling to find a safe spot, and one of the akuma snuck up on him from behind. He heard the click of readied bullets and then Kanda was there, slamming into him from the side and pushing him into the ground. He froze, panting under Kanda's weight, until the slow seeping of warm blood between their bodies propelled him into action again. _

_ On the way home, the scene kept playing in his head. Kanda was in a different car, recovering from the bullet he took for Lavi among other wounds, which left Lavi to dwell on his mistakes. He should have been paying more attention. _

_ Unlike the first time, or when he'd insisted on snuggling while he'd had a cold (getting Kanda sick too), or when he accidentally outed their relationship to Allen and Lenalee by kissing Kanda in public -- Lavi didn't overwhelm Kanda with apology notes. _

_ Instead, Kanda woke up to an empty hospital room and one single sheet of paper, folded in half. _

 

The next day, the same thing happens. And the next, and the next. Allen keeps shooting glances his way, and Kanda barely notices. He has better things to worry about than the kid thinking that he's brooding.

It's almost been a week. Kanda keeps the notes in a shoebox under his bed. Around noon, Allen announces that he's having Lenalee over for lunch, and Kanda waves in acknowledgement. He makes his own lunch and takes it back to his room; he doesn't feel like trying to act normal around Lenalee. She sees through him too easily, and she isn't afraid to ask questions like Allen is.

He spreads the blank notes out on his bed, staring through them like they're a puzzle that he can assemble. What does he think he’s doing? If he collects enough pieces, they'll tell him where Lavi is? He knows where Lavi is. Lavi is dead. If he thought otherwise, he'd mastered the art of forgetting that hope over the past few months, and all this is doing is dragging it back up. He won't be able to find Lavi if he doesn't want to be found. First because he can barely bring himself to think about the possibility that Lavi might want to be found, much less go out actively looking, and second because Lavi really was always better at hiding than he was at finding.

It was what the first argument had been about, anyway.

There's a sharp knock on the door. Kanda's head snaps up, and before he can shuffle away the pieces of paper, Lenalee slips inside.

"Sorry for not waiting for an answer," she tells him. "But..."

"The beansprout sent you?"

"Yeah. Allen was worried you were being blackmailed or something." She sits down next to him, on the bed, and she's definitely seen the paper by now so there's no point in hiding it from her. "I didn't think you were."

"Do you know, then?" Kanda won't meet her eyes. He runs his finger along the edge of one of the notes.

"Do I know what's going on? No. But I have a suspicion." She turns to look him in the eyes, and Kanda lets his gaze reluctantly meet hers. "Who's giving you these?"

"Lavi." He sighs. There's no point in hiding anything from Lenalee. "I saw him in the market a few days ago."

"Did he say anything?" She looks a little like she would have started scolding Kanda if he didn't have more to confess. "How do you know these are from him?"

The door opens again, and Allen tumbles in, half-crouching like he’d been trying to listen in. He stands up quickly and nudges the door shut again. He crosses his arms, trying to look like he meant to come in. "Lavi's our friend, too. You didn't have to hide this from us."

"If I'd known where he was I would have dragged his idiot ass back here already," Kanda snaps. The brat might not be good for much, but he's always a reliable outlet for anger.

Lenalee's eyes soften. "Have you tried responding to these?"

Kanda looks down at the notes again. "No." If he answers, that means he'll have to forgive him.

"You should try." She pats him on the hand and stands up, pulling Allen out of the room with her.

 

_ Kanda hadn't been sure of his upper limits with regard to alcohol until just last night. He'd never gotten drunk as fast as the people he'd been drinking with, but yesterday he'd been tired and frustrated and -- he didn't even remember why. He was tired of the war. They all were. _

_ Lavi had kept him company, staying up even when everyone else had gone to bed. Something happened. Maybe Lavi got bored and started prodding, or maybe Kanda started thinking, but either way they got onto the topic of the two of them and what they were doing. _

_ Kanda didn't remember much but he did know that he said some things even he thought went too far. Something about the Bookmen. He regretted it, now, and he woke up without even a hangover to punish himself with. Lavi was the type, if he was really hurt by something, to try to pretend it didn’t even happen. Kanda had no idea where to start with this guilt.  _

_ Oh. There is that. _

_ He made sure that Lavi was deep in his work, with no chance of stepping out for a meal or a break, before he passed by his room and dropped off a note in front of the door. _

_ He didn't see Lavi again until dinner, but the instant they met eyes Lavi sprinted forward and pulled Kanda around a corner to hug him. Kanda blinked. _

_ "You used my thing!" _

_ "Yeah." _

_ Lavi buried his face in Kanda's neck and laughs. "I forget what you even said, actually." _

_ "I'm still sorry," Kanda choked out. _

_ "You're forgiven." _

 

Kanda sits on the cold tile flooring of their entryway, feeling kind of stupid. Lavi probably pays an urchin child to deliver his messages for him. It would be idiotic to come here personally, and Kanda's even dumber for thinking that he might. At least Kanda hasn't missed him already. He checked for mail at 5:30 am, and he's been sitting here for nearly forty minutes waiting for any sound to carry through the front door.

6:14. The frost outside crunches underneath some boots, and Kanda stands up, slow and careful not to make a sound. He hears the rustle of a jacket, some paper, the creak of their mailbox opening. Kanda opens the door.

There he is: red hair, wide green eye, caught halfway up the front steps easing the lid closed on the mailbox. They both stand frozen as seconds tick by, and then Lavi closes the mailbox lid gently and looks up at Kanda, shoulders squared.

"What?" Kanda pretends his voice didn't waver.

"It means sorry.”

And then, like they always have, they work it out from there.

**Author's Note:**

> I admit, I actually wrote 80% of this years ago. I did a major rehaul/edit but if the style seems different, that's why. I'm so sorry I'm dragging this on so long (the ship week ended like a month and a half ago!) but! One more to go!  
> Thank you all so much for the support! c: It's really the highlight of my day to see comments.


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